


Tsundere

by F2of95line



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Tsunderes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-06 13:09:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15195452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/F2of95line/pseuds/F2of95line
Summary: Description of 'tsundere': originally a Japanese term, to describe a person who is outwardly cold or hostile to hide a hidden warm side.





	1. Taeyong

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this fic is going to be a little bit different. This one is more... psychological?
> 
> Let me start off with some personal details. I hate tsunderes. Like, I really CANNOT stand them. I had a friend who was a tsundere and she never had anything positive to say about me or any of our friends. When there were times when I was about to break down, she would be snide, rude, and later brush it off saying it was how she treated "people she was close with". Or she would physically hit me, and I don't understand why tsunderes think that makes them appealing.
> 
> Words hurt, people. You can buy me a pretty dress but then tell me I'm too fat to fit in it because you're shy about buying me a dress? .....why the hell do you think that's going to make me feel flattered?
> 
> The reason I don't hate Taeyong is because in my opinion, I don't consider Taeyong a tsundere. I know he looks cold, but both his words and actions are really gentle. Just looking cold is not a good enough reason to call someone a tsundere in my opinion.

Taeyong was munching on honey butter chips when he heard an excited shout from the living room. He blinked in confusion before opening the door and peering outside.

“Guys!” Yuta called cheerfully. “Guys, guess what we’re playing?!”

“Huh?”

“I got the FIFA 19 video game! Do you know how rare these are?!” Yuta was practically dancing with the video game, and Taeyong had to hide a smile at how cute the Japanese boy was.

“Whoa!” Mark eagerly opened his own bedroom door, eyes sparkling. “That game is impossible to find in Korea!”

Taeyong could only watch Yuta fondly, a smile playing on his lips. Geez, how was he so cute, all over a video game?

“Come on, let’s play, Mark!”

Taeyong frowned, jealousy striking his heart. Even though he knew Yuta and Mark were longtime friends, it still made Taeyong feel possessive when the Japanese showed attention to someone else. He knew he had to make himself heard, so he stepped forward, clearing his throat.

“Wh- What’s this about a video game?” he tried to sound nonchalant, as if he hadn’t been listening in the whole time.

“It’s just the new FIFA game!” Yuta smiled, brilliant smile bright and healing as usual (Taeyong resisted the urge to shield his eyes. Why was Yuta so beautiful?). “You want to play, Taeyong? Mark and I are going to play it!”

Taeyong felt heat rise to his cheeks, desperate to say ‘Yes’, and then maybe tell Mark to run along now. But he knew he couldn’t.

“L- Like I’d really play something that childish!” Taeyong tried to look annoyed. “Seriously, Yuta, we’re the same age, why do you spend your time on stupid things like this?”

Yuta pouted and Taeyong felt his heart fluttering once more. How was it everything he did looked so lovable?

“Come on, Hyung!” Mark begged. “Let’s play together!”

Taeyong couldn’t help giving him an exasperated, but fond look. Even Yuta couldn’t convince him to play, how was-

_You’d get to spend time with Yuta. You’d get to maybe hold his hand and pretend you’re playing with the controller, but then lean over and your thumbs touch and-_

“Okay, Mark. I’ll play.”

* * *

Lee Taeyong didn’t remember when he fell in love with Nakamoto Yuta, but he did realize one thing; he was terrified out of his mind. Why would Yuta, flawless, brilliant, beautiful Yuta, ever love him?

Taeyong was always afraid Yuta could see him for the embarrassing, lovesick fool he was, but he knew, he couldn’t keep blushing forever. He had to tell him eventually… but he was just too nervous.

Every time he tried, Yuta would give him that beautiful smile with those bright sparkling eyes and… ugh, Taeyong didn’t want to keep thinking of how stupid he must look in front of Yuta.

* * *

One day at dance practice, Taeyong did a spin… only to hear a panicked “Yuta-hyung!”.

He snapped his head to the side to see Yuta collide, torso-to-torso, with Jaehyun. Taeyong’s eyes widened in horror when he saw Yuta clench his teeth and squeeze his eyes shut.

“ **YUTA!** ” he bellowed in concern, but then noticed, rather embarrassedly, that Jaehyun had already caught Yuta and the Japanese boy wasn’t hurt, which calmed his heart down slightly. It did, however, lead to the other members turning to him in surprise; nobody had ever heard his scream Yuta’s name so frantically. Taeyong felt his face heat up upon seeing Yuta’s curious gaze.

“Uh… what the _hell_ were you thinking?!” he shouted quickly, hoping nobody noticed his red face. “I- I mean… you could have… hurt Jaehyun!”

He mentally exhaled when he saw the other members not looking shocked anymore at his outburst. Yuta gave him a deadened look.

“Gee, thanks, Taeyong.”

“I’m fine, Taeyong-hyung!” Jaehyun called, still supporting Yuta with an arm around his waist. “No injuries, all good!”

Taeyong swallowed down his curse at seeing Jaehyun’s large hand wrapped around Yuta’s tiny waist and cleared his throat.

“A- Are you so clumsy you can’t stand on your own!?”

Yuta blinked at him in confusion, and Taeyong noticed Jaehyun’s hand squeezing, feeling the soft, forbidden skin of Yuta’s hip underneath and Taeyong felt the jealousy rage in his heart again, hot and frantic.

“Stop leaning on Jaehyun!” Taeyong all but shrieked. “Fuck!”

“Wha-?! I-!” Yuta sputtered before lightly brushing off Jaehyun’s arm. “There. Thanks, Jaehyun.”

Taeyong felt awkward when he saw the others trying to hide their expressions; goddammit, why was he so uncool and obvious? He inwardly sighed when he saw Yuta and Jaehyun exchange another warm glance.

“I… I guess we should restart,” Taeyong spoke up loudly, trying to break apart Jaehyun from the love of his life. “Thanks to _someone_ not paying attention.”

Yuta looked down at the floor, lip jutting out (Taeyong mentally had to hold himself back from squealing and fanboying). Although the Japanese boy didn’t notice, Taeyong spent the rest of practice monitoring himself _and_ Yuta, making sure Yuta didn’t hurt himself again.

Yuta danced more intensely, moves more sharp and determined, and Taeyong could only watch with admiring eyes.

* * *

Taeyong exited the car from Music Bank, before taking a deep breath and turning back to help Yuta out of the car. He enjoyed music shows mainly because they were the one place where he could treat Yuta with tender and loving gazes as he wanted to do deep down, and if anyone teased him about it, he could say it was camera-service.

He held his hand out for Yuta… only for Taeil to grasp Yuta’s arm to stop him from tumbling out of the car. Taeyong just blinked at the way Yuta smiled and laughed at Taeil, and embarrassed, lowered his hand before stomping into the music hall.

_Nakamoto Yuta, you beautiful, blind idiot._

* * *

Taeyong carefully checked his watch as he pulled on his leader voice. “We’re going to warm up; our rehearsal is after Seventeen-sunbae’s so be sure you’re fully warmed up before we go on stage.”

“I think Yuta’s fully warmed up after falling on his face,” Taeil piped up, and Taeyong watched as the two of them exchanged grins. There was that goddamned green-eyed monster again and Taeyong cleared his throat.

“Oh yeah?” he spoke up pettily. “Then I assume the same mistake as last time won’t happen today. It’s bad enough we have to deal with his clumsiness at practice, so I trust it won’t happen again.”

Yuta’s face fell and Taeyong immediately felt bad; he knew Yuta was usually hard on himself when it came to practice. It was one of the reasons Taeyong had fallen in love with him, after all; although he acknowledged that the other trainees at SM were hard-working, he prided himself on being the most determined… until he met Yuta, who was no less determined and proved himself to be just as hard-working.

Taeyong knew he had gone too far and opened his mouth to apologize, but was cut off by Yuta glaring at him ( _Taeyong wanted to cry_ ). “No worries. It won’t happen again.”

Yuta stormed off and Taeil called after him as Johnny crossed his arms, giving Taeyong a judgmental glance. Taeyong groaned.

“I know, I know…”

“Oh come on, Taeyong.”

Since only Taeil, Johnny and Yuta were the only ones not younger than Yuta, there weren’t many members who could confront and scold Taeyong the way he was being now. The leader shrank under Johnny and Taeil’s laser gazes.

“Sorry,” Taeyong mumbled, feeling not unlike a child being scolded for eating a cookie before dinner.

_Sorry, Yuta…_

* * *

Waiting for Yuta turned out to be more torturous than Taeyong expected. He kept checking his watch in worry, holding onto the water bottle he had specifically packed for Yuta. He knew it was stupid, but he had packed it in his bottle cooler, so that it would stay chilled for him. He juggled the bottle in his hands, exhaling softly.

_What if he was hurt? Or sick? Or maybe he-_

“Hey,” Yuta popped up behind him and Taeyong had to actually bite his own tongue to stop himself from shrieking out every curse word he knew.

“Dammit, Yuta!” he whirled around. “Where have you _been?!”_

_I’ve been worried sick!_

He silently added that in his head, although he imagined Yuta wouldn’t exactly be thrilled to hear him clucking like a mother hen.

Yuta huffed. “I was just in the bathroom.”

Taeyong dithered for a moment, until he finally cleared his throat and shoved it at him. “Um… here. Drink this.”

_Take it with my heart._

Yuta gave him a suspicious look. “What did you do to it?”

Taeyong huffed; he had been worried sick for the Japanese boy and that was the first thing he asked?

“Would you chill? It wasn’t my idea, one of the staff members told me to make sure everyone got a water bottle.”

Taeyong was too embarrassed to admit he had brought it specifically for him. Although he had brought water bottles for everyone else, Yuta’s was the biggest, the only one that was chilled and Taeyong specifically had chosen the best-quality water to give him.

He wanted Yuta to stay hydrated, stay as vibrant as he always was.

And before Yuta could see his blush, Taeyong hastily began to distribute the cheaper, room temperature water bottles to the other members.

* * *

Taeyong smiled at his team. “Great work today, guys! Awesome ending!”

“But Hyung, we didn’t win,” Haechan piped up and Taeyong grinned good-naturedly.

“It’s not all about winning. We performed well!”

He took a deep breath, ready to say the same to Yuta; he knew his comment from earlier probably made him upset, so-

“Yuta-hyung!”

Taeyong blinked as a face he thought he could only see in movies ran up to them and the NCT 127 members exchanged glances.

“Hyung, you know Vernon-sunbae?” Haechan asked in surprise and Yuta smiled (was he _blushing_?).

“We, uh, met in the bathroom.”

Taeyong’s face immediately fell. Then… earlier, when he had been waiting so desperately for Yuta, he had been spending time with this… this beautiful person? Taeyong immediately felt inferior to the angelic-looking idol.

“Hey!” Vernon approached, smile radiant, and Taeyong couldn’t help but to gape at him, before turning to Yuta. Jealousy stirred in his stomach.

Oh yes. Yuta was _definitely_ blushing, an attractive pink shading over his cheeks.

“Come on, guys,” Doyoung grinned, clearly already shipping the two. “I can hear Manager-hyung calling for us.”

“Now hold on just a-” A yelp escaped from Taeyong’s mouth as Taeil grabbed his elbow and dragged him and Jaehyun out. Taeyong could only watch in despair as he watched Yuta shyly slide his hair behind his ear as he conversed with the American rapper of Seventeen.

Yuta soon re-joined them in the car about 10 minutes later, and Taeyong spent the entire car ride sulking.

Stupid gorgeous Seventeen members and stupid perfect, beautiful Nakamoto Yuta.

* * *

Taeyong watched videos of Seventeen with his eyes narrowed. Okay, so the blonde American was a rapper, huh?

Well… he was a rapper too! After all-

He cringed when he listened back to his part in Yestoday; although he liked the lyrics and thought them to be deep, his pronunciation was clearly different from Vernon’s. He gnawed his lower lip.

“Youngho-yah!”

Johnny poked his head into Taeyong’s bedroom. “What’s up?”

“I, uh… need some help,” Taeyong scratched his head. “With English.”

Johnny didn’t look surprised; it wasn’t rare for the NCT members to ask for English help to him or Mark. Taeyong hesitated.

“Well… it’s more about… pronunciation, you know?”

Johnny tilted his head. “Hmm… then maybe we should bring Jaehyun in to it. He’s still studying English but his pronunciation is perfect. Why do you want to study English anyways?”

Taeyong blanched before coughing. “Uh, you know… just… just want to be a better rapper. For… the fans. You know.”

Johnny grinned sneakily. “Oh yeah, huh? Nothing to do with wanting to be better than a certain Seventeen member?”

“Oh shut it,” Taeyong mumbled, ears feeling on fire, but he was unable to hide a hopeful smile. Maybe if he got better at rapping… Yuta would notice him!

* * *

Taeyong hated to admit it, but every time Yuta went out to meet with Vernon, he would wait on the living room couch (like a goddamn dog). He would wait until he could hear Yuta’s footsteps up the stairs, and then bolt for his bedroom, which was luckily connected right next to the living room, so he could pretend he had no idea Yuta was out. He just wanted to make sure Yuta was safe.

Taeyong inwardly scowled; why did they always have to meet at night? The reasonable voice in his mind pointed out that both of them were fairly popular idols; if anyone saw them in the day, people could get the wrong idea, or worse, they could be mobbed.

Still, the stubborn, jealous side of his mind was still sulky about it. What if…?

_“Ah~! Oh, Vernon, no, we mustn’t!”_

_“I must have you, Yuta, darling!”_

_“Oh, you animal! *swoon*”_

“Aaaagh!” Taeyong buried his face in one of the living room pillows and bellowed out his frustration. “No way!”

“…what’s he doing?” Doyoung whispered and Jaehyun shrugged, squinting his eyes.

“…looks kinda like he’s having angry sex with a pillow.”

And then Taeyong heard Yuta’s footsteps and promptly booked it.

* * *

One night, Taeyong slowly woke up to hearing the front door lock clicking and he inwardly cursed. He had fallen asleep on the couch! And now there was no way to avoid seeing him now.

He frowned when Yuta tiredly stumbled in. Taeyong’s eyes zeroed in on the clock in the kitchen; it was already 1 in the morning.

Was Yuta _drunk_?

Images of Yuta drinking with Vernon pierced his mind and he scowled again.

“Why are you coming home so late?” he demanded and Yuta turned to him. The Japanese boy blinked at him ( _S- Stop batting your eyelashes at me, I’m supposed to be mad at you!_ ) before tilting his head.

“Were you… waiting for me?”

Taeyong froze before looking arrogant. “As if.”

Yuta didn’t look like he believed him, so Taeyong cleared his throat.

“I’m… waiting for Johnny and Jaehyun to come home from their radio show. We’re…”

_Fuck. Practicing English so I can prove I’m cooler than Vernon?_

“…doing a performance.”

“Oh…” Yuta looked at him curiously. “Why didn’t you tell me? What kind of performance?”

_GODDAMMIT._

“Uh… it’s none of your business!”

_Oh, really smooth._

Taeyong inwardly cringed at how bad he was at lying before quickly clearing his throat. “S- Stop sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong! How was your stupid date anyways?!”

“I’m not dating!” Yuta protested and Taeyong felt his hopes raise slightly.

“Real-? I mean, yeah, whatever,” Taeyong hinted more deeply. “Like you and that Seventeen kid aren’t dating…?”

“We’re not dating!” Yuta insisted and Taeyong felt a wave of relief wash over him; even though he still felt lower-grade compared to the handsome Seventeen rapper, it was a comfort to hear such firm insistence from Yuta’s lips.

And then Taeyong caught sight of Yuta’s expression, looking at him strangely. Fuck. He was too obvious, wasn’t he?

He pushed too hard and now Yuta was probably wondering why Taeyong was so curious about his love life.

“M- Makes sense!” Taeyong said loudly. “Who’d date you when you’re this easy?!”

Taeyong promptly felt like kicking himself. Geez, he did not handle jealousy well. Yuta looked shocked before turning away and Taeyong felt genuine regret; he hadn’t meant to hurt Yuta’s feelings.

“Yu-”

“I’m going to bed,” Yuta mumbled and Taeyong sighed, knowing Yuta was angry.

“Wait-” he tried to say hopelessly, but Yuta didn’t respond, and Taeyong had to wonder exactly how angry Yuta was.

“…good night, Taeyong.”

Taeyong didn’t respond, nervously biting his lower lip when Yuta entered his bedroom. He groaned, sinking back into his old friend, the couch.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid…” he smacked his forehead, sighing. He shook his head. He didn’t want Yuta to go to sleep, being angry at Taeyong. He hesitated for a minute; he knew whenever Yuta was angry, he preferred doing something athletic to vent out his anger, but he couldn’t hear any loud sounds from the room, just shuffling and clattering. He sincerely hoped Yuta’s activity of choice didn’t involve a voodoo doll with his face glued to it.

He trudged over to Yuta’s bedroom door, thankful that nobody else was home. Taeil and Winwin were at some party that the EXO members invited them to, Jaehyun and Johnny were doing the radio, Mark and Haechan were sleeping over at the Dream dorm, and Doyoung was filming a music video for his upcoming OST.

Which meant…

The two of them were home. Alone.

Taeyong smacked his head for real this time.

_Get your mind out of the gutter._

He took a deep breath before knocking. “…Yuta?”

There was no response, but Taeyong knew Yuta couldn’t be asleep already and he sighed. “Look, Yuta, I’m sorry, that… that was a shitty thing of me to say. Can I come in?”

Yuta didn’t answer and Taeyong huffed. “Oh come on, stop being so pissy.”

He opened the door and saw Yuta wrapped up in his blanket on the bed, back to him. Taeyong couldn’t help but to bite his lower lip again. Goddammit, he was so cute.

“Yuta,” he whined. “Don’t ignore me. I’m sorry.”

Yuta didn’t respond and Taeyong went over to him, nudging the boy’s shoulder and trying to pull him to face him.

Yuta didn’t resist.

Taeyong was suddenly dimly aware of a loud screaming in the dorm, and it took him a second to realize it was himself, as he gazed at Yuta’s closed eyes, and the open bottle of pills that fell out from his limp fingers to land at Taeyong’s feet, scattering pills everywhere.

“ _Yuta…!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is why I hate tsunderes. They never communicate. This is how Tsundere!Taeyong expresses himself.
> 
> Let's see things from Yuta's point of view in the next chapter.


	2. Yuta

Yuta smiled happily as he eagerly ran to the NCT dorms, hands clutched around a brand new FIFA 19 video game.

“Guys!” he announced as he entered the 127 dorm. “Guys, guess what we’re playing!”

“Huh?” Johnny stuck his head out of his room. “What’s going on?”

“I just got the FIFA 19 video game!” Yuta crowed. “Do you know how rare these are?!”

“Whoa!” Mark eagerly opened his own bedroom door, eyes sparkling. “That game is impossible to find in Korea! How did you get it?!”

“They’ve released it in Japan already, so my friend shipped it over to me!” Yuta danced around. “Come on, let’s play, Mark!”

Yuta heard someone approach him and he inwardly sighed. _Please don’t be…_

Taeyong frowned as he crossed his arms. “What’s this about a video game?”

“It’s just the new FIFA game,” Yuta tried to smile. “Y- You want to play, Taeyong? Mark and I are going to play it!”

“…like I’d really play something that childish,” Taeyong scoffed. “Seriously, Yuta, we’re the same age, why do you spend your time on stupid things like this?”

Now, Yuta normally wouldn’t be that sensitive, but this was a game he had been waiting for, _for so long_ , and if he and Taeyong were the joking relationship, it would make sense, but the relationship on camera was very different from the off.

To be honest, Yuta never did understand why Taeyong was so negative towards him. Even now, everyone knew how long Yuta had been waiting for this game.

“Come on, Hyung!” Mark begged, not seeing the way Yuta had shrank. “Let’s play together! I heard this game is supposed to be even better than last year’s!”

Taeyong snorted slightly, but it was different from the expression he had with Yuta. Yuta couldn’t help but notice that Taeyong reacted to Mark fondly, the way one did to a younger brother.

Meanwhile, to Yuta, Taeyong’s demeanor was outright disdain. Yuta just couldn’t understand it.

They were the same year, so they should’ve gotten along well… unless maybe that was why Taeyong didn’t like him? He felt threatened?

But no, Johnny was also a ’95-line, and Taeyong treated him like a friend. So what was wrong with Yuta?

“Okay, Mark. I’ll play.”

Yuta’s jaw dropped. “You-!”

“Yay!” Mark cheered, not noticing Yuta’s stricken expression. “Yuta-hyung, can I be Player 1?!”

“…sure, Mark,” Yuta finally relented, releasing an exasperated breath. Seriously, what was happening?

* * *

Yuta couldn’t remember when he and Taeyong drifted apart. He did know that at one point, the two of them were actually friends, and during that time…

Yuta didn’t like thinking about it, but it was at that time that he realized he had fallen for the handsome SM Rookie. Yuta kept his secret crush to himself, not daring to tell anybody, and feeling satisfied from just being near the boy he felt his heart flutter around.

And then suddenly, Taeyong just stopped hanging out with him. It was somewhat gradual, but it mostly consisted of Yuta reaching out to him and Taeyong reading his message and refusing to answer, declining hang outs with Yuta (unless someone else was there), and just flat-out rudeness.

Even though Yuta was used to joking with him, Taeyong usually grinned, that mischievous smile that Yuta loved, whenever he was kidding. However, the Korean leader no longer smirked at Yuta anymore, simply glaring in a way that made Yuta feel small and unimportant.

During this time, Yuta befriended Winwin, more out of loneliness than genuine friendship, but that was the only positive that came from Taeyong abandoning him.

The only thing Yuta could wonder, however, was why. Why did Taeyong no longer want to be friends with him?

The only option was that… he knew. Maybe Taeyong had figured out Yuta’s feelings for him and was so horrified, he could only-

“Yuta-hyung!”

Yuta snapped out of his funk to realize he was in the wrong position during Cherry Bomb, and before he could stop, he ended up colliding with Jaehyun.

“Whoa!” the golden idol quickly caught Yuta and the Japanese released a soft breath of relief.

“Wow, that was close. Sorry!”

“You okay, Yuta-hyung?” Jaehyun peered at him. “You’re not usually this out of sync.”

“Y- Yeah. I’m sorry, Jaehyun-ah. Are you hu-?”

“ **Yuta**!”

Yuta jumped and turned to meet eyes with Taeyong, whose eyes were pure ice.

“What the _hell_ were you thinking?!” the harsh words spilled out of the leader’s mouth, making Yuta squirm uncomfortably. “I mean, you could have hurt Jaehyun!”

“Gee, thanks, Taeyong,” Yuta muttered, trying to hide his hurt. He lowered his eyes, stomach roiling sickly. He knew he had no right to retort that he could have been as easily injured, but still… it hurt.

It hurt to know that Taeyong didn’t care about his well-being, he just wanted to make sure Jaehyun was okay.

“I’m fine, Taeyong-hyung!” Jaehyun said hurriedly. “No injuries, all good!”

“Are you so clumsy you can’t stand on your own?!” Taeyong snapped. “Stop leaning on Jaehyun, fuck!”

“I…!” Yuta swallowed down his anger, before yanking himself away and righting himself. “There. Thanks, Jaehyun.”

The air in the practice room was tense as Taeyong glared at Yuta, before huffing loudly. “I guess we should restart, thanks to _someone_ not paying attention.”

Yuta kept his head down, before getting into position, and dancing intensely. It helped distract the others so that they wouldn’t see he was pushing back tears.

* * *

When they got to Music Bank that day, Yuta stumbled on his way out of the car, and Taeil quickly caught his arm so that he didn’t trip. After getting over the shock, Yuta turned to Taeil and grinned sheepishly at his hyung.

“Uh, thanks, Taeil-hyung. Good to know you’re always here to catch me… literally,” he joked and the older man laughed back good-naturedly.

“No more wine coolers for you, huh?”

The two of them laughed as they headed in, waving to the fans. Even though these sorts of fan-viewings was stressful, Yuta was able to look forward to them, since this was one of those rare times that Taeyong actually smiled at him, didn’t treat him like garbage.

He waved at the fans one last time before he entered the studio and the 127 team waited for the manager to come in.

“Okay, guys,” Taeyong checked his watch. “We’re going to warm up; our rehearsal is after Seventeen-sunbae’s, so be sure you’re fully warmed up before we go up on stage.”

“I think Yuta’s fully warmed up after almost falling on his face,” Taeil nudged the Japanese and he grinned back sheepishly. Taeyong’s eyes narrowed.

“Oh yeah?” his voice was dark and quiet. “Then I assume the same mistake as last time won’t happen today. It’s bad enough we have to deal with his clumsiness at practice, so I trust it won’t happen again.”

Yuta lowered his head, Taeyong’s words feeling like bullets straight through his heart. Why was he doing this to him? Hadn’t he seen Yuta stay up with all of them until 3 AM, perfecting dance moves until it felt like his bones were about to break? Hadn’t he and Yuta both trained rigorously to ensure they were able to perform to the best of their abilities?

Finally, Yuta lifted his head and glared at Taeyong. “I- It won’t happen again.”

And with that, he stormed away, ignoring Taeil calling his name, as he tried to hide the tear that managed to escape from his barrier.

* * *

Yuta entered the bathroom, heart pounding as he tried to erase Taeyong’s cold eyes from his mind. Why… just why?

“Why… what?”

Yuta jumped and immediately bowed. The man washing his hands flicked the water off before reaching for a paper towel.

“Yuta-hyung, right? NCT?”

“Y- Yeah,” Yuta cleared his throat. “Vernon? Seventeen?”

Vernon bowed to him and Yuta bowed again; even though Vernon was technically younger, Yuta acknowledged that the Dicaprio-lookalike was his sunbae.

“Are you… Are you okay, Hyung?” Vernon peered at him. “You look pale.”

“I- I’m fine,” Yuta mumbled, and the kind boy shook his head.

“You don’t look it. You look like you want to cry.”

Yuta had to take a few deep breaths to calm himself down before closing his eyes. He was _not_ going to cry at Music Bank, especially in front of a younger sunbae.

“I’m… I’m fine,” he repeated. “Just…”

“Relationship issues?”

Yuta raised his eyes in surprise at Vernon’s bitter smile. “I know what that’s like.”

“…you do?” Yuta asked in sympathy. “I thought someone like you would never have relationship issues.”

“Of course I would,” Vernon blinked and Yuta shook his head.

“You just… If I looked like you, I’d probably be brave enough to confess to anybody.”

Vernon immediately reddened, shaking his head modestly. “Of course not! I’m okay-looking. I think I’ve just been overhyped because I look foreign.”

Yuta couldn’t help a smile; he had never met Vernon personally, but he now realized that the American's beauty went beyond his face. Yuta wondered why anyone would turn down somebody so modest and handsome.

“Well, I wish you luck in all of your relationship issues,” Yuta said reluctantly, and Vernon held out his hand. The two of them exchanged a firm handshake and Vernon hesitated.

“Would you… ever be interested in maybe hanging out sometime?”

Yuta wondered for a second if he was being asked out, until he saw the genuine honesty in Vernon’s eyes, and knew that what Vernon had wasn’t attraction, but kinship.

“…yeah,” Yuta smiled. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

* * *

“Yuta!” Taeyong barked. “Where have you been?!”

Yuta huffed slightly; seriously, couldn’t Taeyong give him a _break_? “I was just in the bathroom.”

Taeyong paused before handing him a water bottle. “Here, drink this.”

Yuta gave him a suspicious look. “What did you do to it?”

“Would you chill?” Taeyong scowled. “It wasn’t my idea, one of the staff members told me to make sure everyone got a water bottle.”

Yuta fell silent; of course it would be too much to assume Taeyong did it because he _cared_. He watched as Taeyong reached into his backpack and pulled out a different brand of water bottle and hand them to the other members. So Taeyong really had brought separate water bottles for the members and not one for Yuta.

Yuta slowly drank his water, wondering if it was dramatic of him to assume Taeyong had poisoned it. And then he smiled mirthlessly to himself because that would probably have been the least painful thing Taeyong had done to him, then.

* * *

After the broadcast, Yuta heard his name being called and he turned in surprise to see Vernon waving at him.

“Hyung, you know Vernon-sunbae?” Haechan asked in surprise and Yuta smiled sheepishly.

“We, uh, met in the bathroom.”

“Hey!” Vernon approached him, breathless, and the other members ogled him before eyes zipped to Yuta. Yuta flushed, knowing how it looked to his other members. Doyoung sniggered.

“Come on, guys, I can hear Manager-hyung calling for us.”

“I’ll, uh, be right there!” Yuta called, before turning back to Vernon and giving him a helpless smile. “Um, congrats on the win!”

“Thanks. You guys did great too,” Vernon pretended to dance to Cherry Bomb and Yuta couldn’t help a laugh.

“Amazing. Those dance moves really helped you to the win, huh?” he teased.

“Of course,” Vernon finished with an embellished bow before looking up with a wink. Yuta flushed again (that seemed to be happening a lot).

“Anyways, Hyung, can I get your number?” Vernon held out his phone. “I really meant it when I said we should hang out!”

“Yeah, for sure!” Yuta agreed; it was nice to know someone wanted to be friends with him, worthless little him. He input his digits and waved goodbye to his new friend before entering the van.

He tried to ignore the pair of eyes that bore into his back throughout the entire ride back to the dorms.

_Why do you always look at me like that…?_

* * *

Vernon and Yuta ended up meeting the following night, both of them surprisingly (and rarely) free. The two of them were sitting at the park, lounging on a bench that was a ways away so that nobody could see them amongst the trees. They sipped coffees as they simply chatted.

Yuta could feel a somewhat kinship with the half-Korean, considering that he too was a foreigner, although in a very different way from Yuta.

The conversation turned, inevitably, to be about Taeyong.

“So… why don’t you just tell him?”

Yuta paused in sipping his iced Americano, before gaping at Vernon. “ _Tell_ him? Are you insane? He’d probably scream at me again!”

He slumped. “And I just don’t know _why_. We… We used to be so close. And I… I don’t want to, but everything he says really gets at me, you know?”

“Oh, Hyung…” Vernon said sympathetically. “Don’t let it affect you so much. You’re a great guy, and I’m sure anybody would be lucky to be with you.”

Yuta remained silent. He knew what Vernon was saying was just pity; why would anyone love Yuta? He was worthless.

_You know that’s not true. There are people who love you. Think of them._

_…but Taeyong…_

"Hyung... you should go to therapy."

Yuta jerked. "Th- That's insane! Why would I go to  _therapy_?!"

"I know it's not really a thing here, but in America, lots of people go!" Vernon insisted. "I care about you, Hyung. I don't want you to keep feeling so... trapped."

Yuta fell silent, turning away. Therapy was for people who were able to be healed and realize their self-worth. How was Yuta supposed to find self-worth if he didn't have any?

“Hyung, look!” Vernon suddenly pointed up. Yuta automatically looked up to see the ending trail of a shooting star.

“Make a wish!” Vernon said happily before closing his eyes and bowing his head. Yuta closed his own eyes and bowed his head.

_Please… let Taeyong and me be happy again. Let him care about me again… please._

* * *

Although it was relaxing at first, Vernon soon had to leave for Japan for a Seventeen World Tour and Yuta found himself alone again. He couldn’t really blame him; this was Vernon’s job after all, but it did feel lonely.

Even though he had his other members, every time Yuta tried to go to one of them, he found himself listening to their problems and unable to vent about his own. He even went back to the bench he and Vernon usually met at to see if it could calm him down, but it actually made him feel more lonely, and even looking up at a shooting star just hurt his heart.

Yuta wearily unlocked the front door of the dorm, stumbling in. Despite the coffee, he wasn’t sure why, but he was so tired.

“Why are you coming home so late?”

Yuta’s eyes snapped up and he blinked rapidly at seeing Taeyong. “Were you… waiting for me?”

“As if,” Taeyong scoffed. “I’m waiting for Johnny and Jaehyun to come home from their radio show. We’re doing a performance.”

“Oh… why didn’t you tell me?” Yuta frowned. Even though he knew he had his fair share of camera time, he felt somewhat left out that they were doing a performance without him, without even _telling_ him. “What kind of performance?”

“It’s none of your business,” Taeyong responded harshly. “Stop sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. How was your stupid date anyways?”

“I’m not dating!” Yuta insisted, feeling indignant. Did Taeyong think he didn’t want to also go out and try things? He couldn’t, for starters, because of how he felt for the stupid man, and secondly because he would never do that to implicate the group. They still hadn’t reached the peak that Yuta strove for, so until then, he didn’t want to do anything to harm the group’s name.

“Yeah, whatever,” Taeyong scoffed. “Like you and that Seventeen kid aren’t dating.”

“We’re not dating!” Yuta flushed in embarrassment; he liked Vernon truly as a friend! He didn’t even see him tonight! Why was Taeyong being so-?

“Makes sense,” Taeyong paused, brushing his hair out of his eyes, a lock of hair that Yuta desperately wished to touch. He wanted-

“Who’d date you when you’re this easy?”

Yuta froze as Taeyong’s scathing question rang through his head.

_Who’d date you?_

_You’re this easy._

_Who’d date you?_

_Date you?_

Yuta felt himself struggling to breathe, tears collecting in the corners of his eyes. Out of everything he had ever heard, this had to be the cruelest. His creative, whirling mind translated what Taeyong hadn’t said out loud.

He knew.

Taeyong _knew_ how Yuta felt.

He knew… and was telling him he would never date him.

_Why would I date you if you’re this easy?_

Yuta wanted to throw up, almost paralyzed with shame and anxiety. The cold look of disgust and scorn in Taeyong’s eyes twisted his stomach in a way that Yuta had fought so desperately since he had first moved to Korea.

_You’re worthless, worthless, **nobody wants you around, you’re better off gone…!**_

Taeyong paused but Yuta had had enough.

“I’m going to bed,” he announced. Taeyong hesitated.

“Wait-”

Yuta didn’t turn back around, feeling his insides crumble into nothing, fading away as it floated in a dark existence.

“Good night, Taeyong.”

_Goodbye, Taeyong._

Yuta silently went into his bedroom and mentally apologized to Winwin and Taeil; they’d probably be upset with Yuta for committing this sin in their bedroom. At least they weren’t coming home tonight. They probably wouldn’t find him until the morning. Why did he always make things harder for people? Why couldn’t he make people happy?

Why couldn’t he make Taeyong happy? Why couldn’t Taeyong just accept that Yuta might not have been good enough, but he was trying?

He silently opened his luggage, stashed away deep in his closet, and pulled out the sleeping pills he used whenever he traveled. Thanks to the various schedules, they were all prepared with multiple sleeping aids to ensure they could match with the time zone they were flying to.

Yuta managed a brief smile; at least that was one thing he could look forward to. No longer having to practice until the crack of dawn.

He poured multiple brightly-colored pills into the palm of his hand before jamming them into his mouth, trying to hold back his sobs.

He crammed more into his mouth, choking down the pills as he finally allowed the tears he had been holding back for so long to roll down.

It felt almost freeing, letting the tears slide down his cheeks, the way he wanted them to. It felt good, to feel hot streaks of fire running down his face as he felt himself already shutting down inside.

He distantly heard some noise, but just smiled before laying down.

Yuta was tired.

_Come…_

He reached up and took Sleep’s cold hand and faded away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm ending it here. This is getting too depressing for me.
> 
> But it's a sign to show how different things are from people's points of views. I swear, when I was writing Taeyong's, I was listening to all romcom dramas OSTs like that Strong Woman Do Bong Soon song by Vromance and when I was writing Yuta's, I was listening to Fake Love by BTS (lol you see the stark difference).
> 
> You know, the crazy thing is, just like Taeyong, I think that friend actually cared about me (not in that way lol) but she did a lot of nice things for me. The only problem was, whenever I thanked her, I guess she would grow embarrassed (dere) and then chose to say something negative about me (ie, like buying me a dress and when I thanked her, her pointing out to stop gaining weight so that I could fit into the dress. As you can guess, I'm not exactly a tiny girl).
> 
> #stopthetsunderes
> 
> Also, please remember, if you're ever feeling that down or depressed, talk to someone. You can even [talk to me](https://www.twitter.com/tapeu_127) (even if I'm just an unknown fanfic writer who's moping online), but if you're really feeling that down, please seek professional help. Mental health is very important and I can't stress it enough.
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading / listening to my word vomit. The next fic will go back to my typical angsty Taeyong and Yuta being cute and angsty and shit.


End file.
